Golden Poop Awards: Guns for sale Ads

Welcome to the 16th semi-bi-annual Golden Poop Awards!

We're back again looking for excellence in writing guns for sale want ads.

Full disclosure, I authored a similar post to this back in 2017, I thought some of these deserved a Golden Poop so I have reimagined this post into another round of GP competition.

This Golden Poop Awards is made possible by support from our sponsors:

PETA: We care about animals, not people.

Nivea: when you want purity, look for white

and Calvin Klein: Fat is the new thin, lies are the new truths, Calvin Klein models are the new ugly.

Writing a bad gun for sale ad is easy, writing a horrible ad worthy of a Golden Poop takes inspiration!

We'll start with the Best Picture category:

D'Marus D'Angelo Williams-Williams snapped this photo in his attempt to sell the only thing his dearly departed grandfather left him. I know the photo didn't help with the sale, but maybe it will win you a Golden Poop!

Roscoe Beaufart has the trinity of bad photos in one here. Bad lighting, check.....out of focus, check.......incorrect photo orientation....bingo! we may have a winner.

The background can help sell an item, or create confusion, these next pictures are winners in the latter department.

16-year-old Cooper McDaniel of Palo Alto California submitted his photo for consideration, the contrasting colors and textures really make this photo pop!

"Cropping photos is a scrap-bookers" says Solo Hutcheson-Grimes who sent us this photo for consideration.

Here we have a nice-looking Dan Wesson revolver, but what is in the middle of the gun? 

Bocephus Haymaker swears the gun is fine, it's just the metallic object with similar shapes to gun parts holding the gun up.

Madison Avenue has long used product placement and sex to help sell products, these sellers took note. In the Product Placement Category, we have the following entries:

Donny Ray Simpson submitted this photo of a pistol he is trying to sell, he used a 1/2 empty jug (or is it 1/2 full?) of diet iced tea, that is a bold strategy there Donny Ray, we'll have to see if it works out for you.

Sex sells, but does it earn you a Golden Poop? Lester Feeler sent in this ad in which his "baby mama" posed with the gun. 

One question Lester, you say only 500 rounds through her, are you referring to the gun or your girl? Mystery always adds intrigue!

The Price is Right is the name of this category. 

Hey, it's your gun, don't let the market dictate what your gun is worth....there is no other gun owner like you, therefore your gun is unique and should be priced accordingly.

Sol Rothstein entered his ad for his Colt Trooper Mk III. After some feedback he thought it might be worthy of a Golden Poop.

Jakob Goldberg sent us his contribution, selling a brand labeled rifle for unheard of prices is pretty daring.

Misrepresentation is the name of the game in this category, this is when the seller upsells his firearm to the point of completely misrepresenting its real condition, manufacturer or model.

Don't let the NRA or Kjestad influence you, you grade the gun how you see it. Who cares if your gun looks like it spent a couple of hours in a cement mixer, after all beauty is in the eye of the gun owner, right?

Omar Bin Lion sent in this ad for his "gently used" pistol.

Describe the gun how you see it, it might be wrong, but it feels so right.

This one is from Booh Jefferson of Zebulon, North Carolina.

A similar category, this one is called Gun Fiction, in this category sellers make up stuff or just plain lie about it. Jasper Duquaine from Durham North Carolina sent in his ad for his n-pap, M70, AK-47 

"I like to use buzz words, it impresses buyers" says Elmer Labourdette, who is responsible for the ad below. 

Andy Assburn sent his submission in, he is the head curator at the Thomaston Place Auction Gallery. His Marlin-Winchester rifle got lots of attention when it hit the internet.

Felonious Jackson, who just missed winning a Golden Poop for gunsmithing sent us this ad his cousin Javarious Jaquishious Javon posted on Armslist. This one is loaded with fiction, buzz words, street slang, misspelling, bad punctuation and a whole lot of Golden Poop material.....I think I smell a Pulitzer.........or maybe that's last night's burrito?

Bubba John Wayne Rudky sent in this ad for his SKS, he says he is an expert on guns, so he thought maybe he may be in line for a Golden Poop.

Another subcategory of Misinformation is the Ye Olde Bait & Switch category. In this category sellers often claim one thing in the headline, then reveal the truth (or another lie) in the ad description.

A common tactic of scammers and click bait authors. List the item for FREE in the headline, then BOOOM hit them with the real price (which is often more than retail) in the last line of the ad....This one is from Anita Cox of Dallas Texas.

Ben Yackinov sent this one in, he used to collect Mosin Nagant rifles, bought from Dick's. He got them for a steep discount and is now flirting with Federal Prison in order to make a profit.

The name of this next category is Cashing In.

These sellers are making sure to take advantage of buyers when the panic hits.... You know what you have, get what you got coming!

Stacey Rect says, "there is a sucker born every minute, so I am always trolling for them."

Antonio Miguel Marquez Rivera VI is the author of the ad below; he says the profit margin is always better when you got the gun for "free".

Ivan Lipschitz, a sales associate at Cheaper Than Dirt, is responsible for this ad, he was attempting to resell an AR lower that he paid $150 for. 

Anger Sells is the name of this category, these are ads which anyone can tell was written by an angry person.

This first one is from Mike Oxsmall, in his attempt to list his Handi-Rifle he let his anger show. Great job Mike, we'll have to see if it is enough to garner a Golden Poop.

Compulsory registrations do not exist for the most part, yet Hollywood has convinced people that all guns are "registered". 

These sellers want people to know the government isn't going to know you bought their gun. 

Some of these are so far undercover, the previous owner doesn't even know they are missing yet....

We'll call this category, "Selling what may not belong to you" 

Tyquan Jamal White sent in his ad.

Everyone who knows anything about guns would like to buy a Colt Python....so by advertising them in another state and saying you will only ship, no "face to face" sounds super sketchy...Then you say you will ship the gun super-secret, "off the books"....you might as well be giving out free candy in your 1978 Dodge Tradesman Van. The following ad is from Bernie Madoff Jr., his location was listed as "undisclosed".

This last category is for those lacking a grasp for the English language, misspelled words, bad or missing punctuation get more points. We'll call this category: English Mother-Fer, Do you Speak it?

Demontravious Gamma-Gamma sent in this ad

 Javarious Jaquishious Javon is already in consideration for a Golden Poop in the Gun Fiction category, but we thought his ad also fit here as it shows a real lack of English skills.

This one was sent in anonymously, If this is your ad and you win, please come forward and claim your Golden Poop.